I am an introvert at heart, and I used to be terrified of speaking to groups. However, there was a long period of time when I didn’t admit to myself that I was afraid. I would compensate for this unconscious fear by over-preparing for talks and workshops. This would put me in my head when I was in front of people, terrified of not knowing my stuff, scared of not finding the words, needing so badly to be perceived in a positive light.
This was a very unpleasant way to be and not all that effective. People see through fear immediately. We all sense when someone is at ease, fully present, engaged, and real. That kind of speaking pulls us into a shared world that is vibrant and alive. Time stands still. We are interested. We are there. We can taste it and it’s good.
I know from my own experience that the only way to affect a group this way as a speaker is to surrender any need I have to: Look good, be in control, and be right. Another way to say this is that I need “to be innocent.” By that I mean, to nakedly face the uncertainty, the mystery of what is going to happen next…including what I’m going to say next! For me, this way of being with groups is the difference between sharing lived experience versus information. I find this distinction to confound many leaders.
So yes, I can hear your reservations. Here are a few objections you might be having and how I might respond.
- “If I don’t prepare enough, I’ll sound unprofessional or unpolished.”
Many people equate preparation with credibility, fearing that if they let go of rigid structure, they’ll stumble or look incompetent.
? Response: Preparation is still very important, but I’ve found that over-preparing can cause me to over-focus on my content at the expense listening to the relationships and the energy in the room. That is the aliveness emerging between myself and the group. This can disconnect me from the moment and the natural flow of information.
The key is balanced preparation. I get to know my material as best I can then I let it go. I don’t make it a priority. I make my purpose for the group my central focus with my content as background support if needed. Then, almost always my preparation is over-shadowed by surprising information and experience that bubbles up inside of me and/or others in the group. Bottom Line: Know your material well enough to trust yourself but remaining flexible to adapt. Instead of memorizing, focus on deeply understanding your topic so you can speak naturally and authentically in the moment.
- “Surrendering control feels reckless—I need to have a plan.”
Some may worry that not controlling the talk will lead to awkward silences, losing their train of thought, or rambling.
? Response: Presence is not about abandoning structure—it’s about being fluid within structure. Great speakers and leaders don’t script every word, but they know their key ideas, stories, and messages. Trust that your understanding and experience will guide you rather than rigidly holding onto a script.
- “Isn’t ‘being innocent’ just another way of saying ‘being unprepared’?”
Some might interpret surrendering control as a lack of responsibility or effort.
? Response: Being innocent doesn’t mean being clueless—it means being open and responsive to what’s happening in the room. Rather than focusing on how you’re perceived, you’re tuning into the energy, reactions, and needs of your audience. The most effective speakers are not locked into preconceived outcomes, but instead engage dynamically with the moment.
- “But what if I blank out? I need a script to feel safe.”
Fear of losing words or freezing can make speakers cling to scripts and notes for security.
? Response: I’ve learned to take my loss for words as a sign that I need to be quiet and hear from the group…TAKE THIS AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO GIFT THE GROUP WITH SILENCE! Take a breath, giving time for the group to process. This is also a great opportunity to check with the group for questions, reflections, relevant experience and ideas, etc., which helps you reconnect with your group and them with the content. Whenever I do this, I am almost always gifted with my next inspired idea, often informed by the needs of the audience instead of my need to cover my content.
- “If I don’t focus on ‘looking good,’ won’t I seem unprofessional?”
There’s a strong social expectation to appear competent, polished, and in control—especially in professional settings.
? Response: Personally, I connect far more deeply with realness than with perfection in a speaker. I’m willing to bet that you do too. For years my unconscious focus was on being right and looking good. But then I figured out that this intention was not in service to the group, it was in service to my ego. I also figured out that my behavior and outcomes follow my intentions, especially those that are unconscious. I found that in the moments where I drop my mask of trying to appear a certain way, my presence becomes magnetic. What speakers do you remember? Were they the ones who looked perfect—or where they the ones who made you feel something real?
- “I’m just not a natural speaker. This won’t work for me.”
Some may believe that great speakers are born, not made. That presence is innate rather than cultivated.
? Response: Presence is a skill, not a trait. The ability to stay open, engaged, and real is something that can be practiced and developed—just like any other skill. The fact that you sense discomfort means you’re already growing. You are aware under pressure that you’re shutting down. This is the first step to making another choice.
- I need to be right—people expect me to have answers.”
Speakers (especially in leadership or teaching roles) may feel pressured to always have the right thing to say.
? Response: Ironically, being overly attached to “being right” makes you less persuasive. People resonate more with authentic exploration than with rigid certainty. A speaker who can admit “I don’t know” and instead focuses on openly listening for and navigating ideas invites deeper engagement (Refer back to #4 for more benefits of not being right!).
- The idea of facing uncertainty terrifies me.
For many, the thought of not knowing what’s going to happen next (especially in front of an audience) is paralyzing.
? Response: Uncertainty is not a weakness—it’s a doorway. The moment you embrace the fact that you don’t have to control everything, you gain access to genuine connection, creativity, and flow. What if, instead of fearing uncertainty, you played with it? What if uncertainty was where your best moments were waiting? Many of the most powerful moments my groups have experienced, I did not plan for. They arose in the unexpectedly. If I deeply listened and saw a connection to our purpose, I didn’t get in the way of their unfolding, I encouraged them.
Final Thought
Each of these objections comes from a deeply human fear—fear of judgment, fear of failure, fear of not being enough. But the paradox is: the less you try to control, the more powerful your presence becomes.
Instead of performing—be present. Instead of trying to impress—be real. And instead of clinging to certainty—trust that what needs to be said will emerge in the moment.
Let go. You are enough. ?
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