After an extended, six-month retreat last year, my inner scale tipped. The scale I refer to is the one that tetter totters between the true essence of pure awareness and my personal self.
I recognize that any sense of a separate self, the one with problems, issues, goals and dreams has to be constructed and maintained by the energy of attention. The well laid thought patters, like tracks in the desert, are still there with trains ready to go. And they only become real when I attach the engine of my attention to them.
For example, my life long “problem” of not being heard by the world only shows up now when I fuel that thought train with my attention. With attention upon them, the trains of hopes, dreams, desires, and judgements arise, link up, and give rise to feelings which make them appear even more real. This seeming reality then calls for yet more attention and for strategies to help them arrive at the non-existent station. I can get worked up, passionate, excited, depressed…exhasuted. In just a few moments, I can beleive that I am this convuluted complex of thought and feeling. Or, in an instant, I can release all this and recover my true identity as the witness of this drama…and it all collapses. I think I’ll stay home today.